Monday, February 20, 2012

I cant sleep at night

I always seem to have so much on my mind that only seems to come out when Im tired as a dog and trying to sleep :(

The thing that was taking over my mind last night was my wee angel baby. This is kinda graphic (tampons etc lol)

I had a Miscarriage at 4wks pregnant the weekend before christmas 2011.

I thought that I would be ok with it. Not be one of those mums who talk about it all the time and moved on and accepted it. I spent the first 2wks afterwards feeling so relaxed and happy and saying that I was ok and it was Gods work and I wasnt ready for another baby because God had other plans for me (getting a job, working on myself, working on my house etc) so I was doing ok. Well thats what I thought until New Year arrived and no I clearly was NOT doing ok. The hormones suddenly dropped (just like after you have a baby) and I got really down because my GP did NOT do what she should have done (or what I thought she should have done at the time).

I tend to ramble a bit and go off tangent, but Im going to try my best to rehash it all. Will probably do me the world of good :)

Something that is part of my life now seems so silly to what other people go through time after time.

I had two very very very faint positive pregnancy tests done the week before my period was due. They were so damn faint I had to ask 3 different people to tell me what they could see and I took pictures lol. I couldnt believe my luck even though I wanted another baby so badly and thought I was seeing things.

I had the nausea, the tender boobs, the cramping etc that all pointed to a baby. I mean, I had had all that twice before so I didnt need a silly pee test to tell me what I already knew (and with my hormones, I had to wait at least another 4wks to get that dark line I was waiting for).
The night I started to bleed, I was cooking dinner and I was overcome with this awful cramping and back ache and knew that something wasnt right and I had the urge to go to the toilet. Just as well cause it was a bloody mess! No pun intended hahaha
So I cleaned myself up and went and had dinner and carried on. The pain had gone, the pregnancy symptoms were fading fast and there wasnt much I could do on a weekend night so I watched telly and went to bed and just did what I normally did.
The next day was Sunday and there was another mess to clean up and it was awful. The nice hot shower was great (although apparently it should be lukewarm or something) and I put in a tampon (I didnt know that was a no no and I was flooding out pads within 30mins) and we all got in the car and went for a drive to Johns parents place in Foxton (its about 1hr 30mins from home). 
I truly did NOT think about going to a dr. I really did think that I was ok and there was nothing to worry about.

I had flooded out my pad within 30mins of leaving home and there were clots etc and thats when my worry radar started to go off, but hey I was away from home and what could I do? It was a family day out with John and the kids.

Monday was probably the worst part. I succumbed to a friends worried text message and went to the dr. The nurse looked worried and said there wasnt anything they could do if it was a MC and that I could see the dr if I wanted to.
The dr made me to the pee test and of course nothing showed up so she said, "your not pregnant because the pee test said so, go home and try to rest" 
I tried to go for a blood test (thanks to my friend Trishy) and got "you dont need one" so I went home with no answers and feeling belated that I should have tried more.
I bled for a grand total of 5 nights and 4 days. It was not a Miscarriage like what you hear about from friends or what you read on the internet or in books. It only hurt for a little while and then I just bled. There was no cramping etc all the way through like when you have your period, it was just a pain free bleed with lots of mess and was very horrible. I didnt feel sad (like I thought I would), I felt relaxed and anxious and happy all at the same time. Because I didnt feel the way I thought I *should* I didnt listen to my friends and didnt get what I wanted from the dr and that PISSED ME OFF. I let myself down.

At Christmas, I became the bitch from christmas past. I had no tree, no stockings for the kids and only one present for each of them that I couldnt even be bothered to wrap and give them. I didnt have the big family christmas on the movies and I had lost my baby.
At New Years, I had a huge hormone thing happen and all I wanted was to have my MC accepted and acknowledged by family and the dr, but that didnt happen. Johns family didnt think that adding to our family would be a good idea, so I had to lie and just say it was a really heavy period etc and that I was ok blah blah blah when all I wanted to do was yell and scream and make people listen to me.

Its February now. I still want to talk about it. I want to do something to acknowledge that for that little time, I was going to be a mum again (it was unplanned).

About 3wks ago, a friend of mine came up to me and said she was pregnant again and was thinking of an abortion. It would be her 3rd abortion and I didnt know what to do. She later MC her baby too and I went to all the dr appts with her and her scan and texted her and talked to her and was there for her like I wanted people to do with me. I didnt get dr appts or a scan or even a friend to hug me when I wanted to cry. My friend and I were due on the same day and MC 3-4wks apart.

She is my one true friend IRL and I dont even think she knows how I was feeling or how Im doing now, she just knows that when her friends werent there for her, I was. I was there for her so she wasnt alone like I was and because I love her to pieces.

Now, I just dont know where I fit or where to go or who to talk to. I prayed to the Lord last night for the first time in a LONG time. 

The one problem I have is how to end my post lol. Im wiping away the tears and watching Ben 10 Ultimate Alien and alone and have no idea what Im going to do with the rest of my day. 

Much love to you all

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